Exciting Career Possibilities!

So I'm looking for a job. Since the library is being all uppity I've had to broaden my search. Moving from Florida back to North Carolina has been great. It's quiet, peaceful, beautiful and much more rural. And while it's a great environment to live, not so much to find a job. There are simply less jobs to be had. Maybe not if I was a certain kind of person with certain credentials, but for a white-collar softie like me it's slim pickins.

A few examples from a local job posting site:

Convenient store clerk- as much fun as re-enacting whole scenes from Clerks would be, the hours would undoubtedly suck. Plus, there's that whole "the next person who comes in the door might greet me with bullets" thing. Meh, I'll pass.

Truck driver- Eastbound and down, loaded up and truckin'. We gonna do what they say can't be done. We've got a long way to go, and it's shore time to get there...ok, enough of that. I don't even have the appropriate licenses or training to be a trucker. Although yes, the inevitable basset hound sidekick and CB radio banter would be cool, my own inability to go more than two hours without a bathroom stop prevent this from being a true career possibility.

Welder-ok, but only if they will accept frizzy hair, torn sweatshirts, and a fierce desire to DANCE, BABY DANCE in lieu of actual welding experience or skill.

Bojangles associate- 'nuff said.

Substitute newspaper carrier- I'd need to practice my "Gimme my TWO DOLLARS!" and haunting stare. The opportunity to peg bathrobed people with heavy newspapers sounds kinda fun, although the hours would probably be heinous. Plus, I don't have a bike.

Sanitation worker- Remember how people always used to say that garbage men got paid a lot. Yeah, not so much. They'd have to pay me more than twenty grand a year to be in trash all day. You'd never get that smell out of your hair.

Nursing Home Activity Director-Here is the kicker, the ad says "must meet current federal regulation". I have no idea what that means, but it makes you wonder if maybe Homeland Security is worried I might make one of the activities "bomb-making" or if Department of Health and Human Services is concerned I might try to make the elderly kickbox each other. I think they should keep in mind that if the elderly had the energy and resouces they'd probably be kickboxing the staff and blowing up the nursing home all on their own with no outside help or guidance.

Latino Services Coordinator- Sounds great, only one teensy little problem. No habla espanol.

Sales Associate at Cracker Barrel-I hate Cracker Barrel. Cracker Barrel embarrasses me as a Southerner, an American, and a member of the human race. It's this horrific, Disney-ized, homogenized, merchandized machine spitting out rehydrated country fried meat-product and soylent turnip greens. The "country store" half is all teddy bears dressed in lace jumpers, useless woodcut animals and anything they can plaster a Coca-cola sign on. It is reminiscent of the neocon movement in it's insidious appearance of old-fashioned values and "aw shucks" mentality, but underneath this insultingly shallow veneer is a greedy italian-suit wearing conglomerate monstrosity bent only on wealth and world domination at any cost. I would rather get shot in the face by Dick Cheney than work there. At least Dick doesn't try to hide who he is.